When I’m old, I will wear large pink and orange muumuus.
When I become an old woman, I will wear large pink and orange muumuus. I will wear lime and yellow Bakelite bracelets that were in style in the 1940s and 1997. Non-matching blue flip-flops with a silk pink daisy will adorn my calloused, corn-ridden feet.
When I am old, I’ll save every bag, box, bubble wrap, can, bowl, twist tie, plastic spoon, jar, and margarine container that comes my way… one day I’ll use it.
When I am old, I will drive my robin’s egg blue car all around town to find a gas station with the price one penny cheaper per gallon. And then I will pay in dimes. I will only eat pomegranates and cabbage much to my family’s and intestine’s chagrin. I will not apologize.
When I am old, I will invite my papergirl in for tea and give her two shiny, new quarters when she comes to collect money for the paper.
When I am old, I will dress up my yippy, snippy lap dog in brown and orange sweaters that I crocheted myself. I will be wearing one to match my dog, of course. His name will be Fifi, Toto, Booboo or something else that kitschy. I will talk to my dog more than I will anyone else. I’ll go through Wendy’s drive thru at 10am and order him a plain hamburger. My obese dog will love me.
When I am old, I’ll complain about my knees and how they don’t work like they used to. What? What was that? Stop whispering, will ya’? Oh, no dear, my hearing will be fine.
When I am old, I will have white hair so long it will hit my buttocks. During the day I will put it in a bun directly above the nape of my neck and hold it there with 27 grey, brown, and black bobby pins. At night, I will let my hair down so Fifi has somewhere warm and soft to sleep.
When I am old, I’ll run my cane against all the railings in the city.
When I am old, I will tell everyone that I’m watching what I eat when I’m really eating five PayDay candy bars a day. I’ll tell everyone that I walk 2 miles a day when I’m really only walking down to the mailbox to get the day’s deliveries.
When I am old, I’ll sit on the threshold between the garage and the driveway so I can keep a watch on the neighborhood. I will do this for many hours a day.
Just so people don’t think I’m going crazy when I start doing these things when I’m old, maybe I’ll just have to start doing them little by little starting today. ….I think I will.
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